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Buster’s Little Heroes: Denver Tennis Player Leads Roommate 5-1

4th September, 2008 - 3:55 pm

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15th September, 2008.

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By Buster Gunning

In what has been described by some observers as battle of wills between a “crane on stilts” and a “racket throwing rhino”, local amateur tennis players Derek “The Champ” Johnson and Nate “Mr. Opportunity” Swanson have been battling ferociously at the Sloan’s Lake tennis courts only to see Derek dominate the series 5 games to 1.

“It isn’t tennis, I can tell you that much!” exclaimed one local observer who, out of embarrassment, wished to remain anonymous. “They both just kinda…push the ball over the net you know? Both of them seem to afraid to make a mistake. It’s not tennis; it wouldn’t even qualify as badminton!”

“A lot of Derek’s victories come at the hand of Nate’s constant double faults,” explained one angry spectator who was only at the park to score some meth. “How can that Nate guy possibly double fault? His top speed on his serves can’t exceed more than 40 miles per hour!”

The formerly lanky 6’6” Johnson, a self-described Adonis, was anything but humble in regards to his domination over his opponent Mr. Swanson.

“Heart, hustle, skill, athleticism, these are all arrows in my quiver. When I take that court, I just know that I will come out victorious. My one loss was only due to the fact that I did not have the endurance to play out a tie-breaking third set, a match you can mark with an asterix.”

Challenger Nate was determined in his resolve to start a winning streak of his own.

“He cheats! Anything near the line he calls out, yet all his shots land miraculously in. He can’t read street signs from 50-feet away, but he can testify, without a doubt that his shot landed on the back line? I also find his dainty movements on the court very distracting. This all being said, I am guaranteeing a win in game 7; it will be just like that Federer/Nedal match only this time Nedal is going to win.”

Teague Kirkpatrick was playing on court 3 with daughter Eva and witnessed portions of Tuesday’s Game 6.

“After a few points, I made Eva pack up her racket; I did not want her to pick up any bad habits. Not to mention they both had their shirts off, and the stockier of the two kept throwing his racket. This was no place for a young girl or anybody for that matter!”

Nominate your very own “Buster’s Little Hero” at: Buster.Gunning@realgm.com

The preceding article was a piece of satirical fiction…kinda

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